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 Ask Dr. Jana
Eight-Year-Old Asking about the Death of a Family Member | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Jana,
We have a relative who was lost in the World Trade Center buildings. My eight-year-old daughter continues to ask, "How is Matt, have they found Matt?" She asks these questions every few hours and we tell her we have no word. As we sat this morning and again she saw video of the towers being hit, she said, "Matt was in that building." I said yes, and she asked, "They haven't found him--is he dead?" I told her most likely Matt may not have made it out safely. This is her first time dealing with a death. How do we prepare her for what happens next and the extreme grief she will see from aunts, uncles, cousins, and extended family and friends over the tragic death of a 27-year-old? — JoanK | | | ANSWER |
September 14, 2001 | | | Dear JoanK,
I am terribly sorry to hear of your loss. You, like so many people across the country, have been touched directly by what has happened. However tough it may be to answer your daughter's questions, it is a very good thing that she is able to express her questions and concerns to you, and that you are taking the time to find age-appropriate and honest ways to talk to her about this tragedy.
Your daughter is about the right age to begin to understand the finality of death. It is important that you share your own beliefs with her--for example, if you believe in heaven--while being careful not to succumb to the temptation of describing death as "going away," "going on a journey," or "going to sleep." Although these phrases may seem kinder, they often make children more fearful,not less. We have put together some additional advice about talking to children about death that you also may find useful.
With regard to what happens next, it is perfectly appropriate to explain to your daughter how sad you and everyone in your family are, and to let her see you cry. You might explain that your tears show how much Matt was loved, and that it's good for people to openly express their sorrow. Even though your instinct undoubtedly is to protect your daughter, letting her see--and participate in--the family's grief will help her heal.
Both personally and on behalf of everyone at drSpock.com, I want you to know that our hearts go out to you and that we will direct all our efforts toward helping you and other parents cope with the incredible challenges ahead.
For additional information, please see our set of articles addressing the issue of coping in times of crisis.— by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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