Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
|
|
 Ask Dr. Needlman
Assuring Children They Are Safe in the Face of Uncertainty | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I am a parent of one 12-year-old boy. He seems to be having a hard time dealing with the stress of what has happened in New York. I have reassured his feelings are valid and that I have been having the same fears and anxieties, but how do you let your children know they are safe when your not sure if you actually are?— Amzygrace in California | | | ANSWER | | | Dear Amzygrace,
First, I want to reassure you that what you describe sounds like a normal reaction to a very abnormal event. Every one of us has had a shock. Some will take longer than others to get back on an even keel. I would not be concerned about your son, or yourself, because you are still experiencing fear and anxiety. It is still early. If two or three weeks go by, and your son is still just as anxious as ever, you might want to talk about it with his doctor or nurse practitioner, or request a consultation with a mental health provider such as a psychologist or behavioral pediatrician.
Since the danger of terrorist attack is real, there is no way for you to ever completely reassure yourself, or your son. But you can still put the magnitude of the danger into perspective. Even though more than 5,000 probably lost their lives, that is still a very tiny fraction of the population; so the probability of any one person becoming a victim, even in an attack as huge as the one we just lived through, is very, very small. Considering that the terrorists struck at high-profile buildings, and are likely to do so again, the danger for children in a school is very, very low. The actual risks to us as individuals are not much higher than they were before (the risks of being killed in a car accident are still much, much greater than the risks of being killed by terrorists, but we don't worry nearly as much about cars, because we are used to the idea that they can be dangerous). As a result of the attack, security is certainly going to be strengthened throughout the country, making another successful attack less likely.
But, it may be very hard for your son to take comfort from rational arguments. Rather, he is likely to follow your lead. When you feel more at ease, he is likely to also. So the first, most important step in helping your son is to feel more comfortable with the situation yourself. That doesn't mean that you deny that there is any risk, but only that you work hard to put the risks into perspective.
On top of all the death and destruction they caused, the September 11 terrorist attacks successfully stripped away our feeling of safety. This is no small loss. When children lose the sense that their world is safe, they sometimes develop a sense of pessimism or fatalism, as if to say, "We're going to die anyway, I'll never live to be an adult, so why work hard to become one?" That's why it's important that you help your child get over his fears, and that process starts with you. It takes time to rebuild a sense of safety, but it does happen. As you may remember, a whole generation of children grew up during the Cold War fearing nuclear annihilation. With the fall of the Soviet Union, those fears subsided. In time, we can hope that the same thing will happen with fears of terrorism. In the mean time, reassurance, and (for an adolescent) a commitment to learning about all the things that are being done to increase security, can help quite a bit. Take a look at the articles and other questions in the Times of Crisis section of the site for more on how to help children cope with the recent events.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
|
