 | During my first pregnancy, my doctor said I was borderline placenta previa and could possibly hemorrhage during childbirth. He asked me which parent had my blood type in case of the need for a transfusion. I called mom to ask whether she or dad had my blood type. She became nervous informed me that dad was not my father. I was devastated. He was the only father I had ever known and all those stories that weren’t true, such as looking like dad’s mother, having his eyes, his build, etc. kept reeling in my head. I became enraged and felt betrayed and deeply saddened by this news. And,having learned of this in the midst of my first pregnancy, the stress and emotional strain became overwhelming.
My sad realization is that my legal father died last week on Christmas day and when I attempted to contact my biological father this week, his wife told me he died less than 4 weeks ago in November. Basically, I had one father whom I lived with my whole life who never knew I wasn't his, and one I had hoped to come to know and never will. It’s the finality of it all that I am now working very hard to put into proper perspective.
My mother said she had never intended to tellme, that my father didn't know and my brother didn't know. However, my two older half sisters (from my mother's first marriage) always knew but were never to discuss it with me. My mother forbade me to ever speak of this to my father or anyone while my father was alive.
At the funeral home with my mother, brother and sister, my brother was reading the way survivors were listed in my dad's obit. He then said "don't you think my sister should be listed after me, just from the standpoint of genealogy?" - - It was at this point I couldn’t even look at my mother or my sister since I knew I would have crumbled. It was then I knew I had to leave. I felt I had made peace with my father in the hospital when he died and I chose to return home to my husband and sons and not attend the formal service.
At this point, I truly haven't any intention to maintain any sort of relationship with my mother or siblings. It's simply too painful and I've lost any sense of family when I am around them. How do I put all of this into perspective?
Thank you,
missmydad |
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