• Make sure that you listen carefully. Before you can lessen a child's fear, you first need to be certain that you understand it. If a child says, "I'm afraid to fly in an airplane," you might ask, "What is it about flying that scares you?" Your child's fear may be based on misinformation. For example, he might think that most planes blow up or that airplane wings fall off all the time. The reality, of course, is that there are thousands and thousands of safe flights for every one that crashes. A child can only accept reassurance once he feels that his specific fears have been understood and addressed.



• Examine your own feelings. Your child's fear of airplanes may be a reflection of your own. If the idea of stepping foot in an airplane makes your heart beat faster, then you probably shouldn't be trying to reassure your child. Rather, it is OK to tell him that you don't think that flying is safe right now, and so you won't be flying until it is safe again. If, on the other hand, you truly feel that the risk is low, then the reassurance you offer your child will ring true and be more effective.



• Fear is healthy, phobias are not. Fear is a helpful emotion if it leads you to avoid danger. A phobia is an overgrown, unrealistic fear that interferes with an important part of your life. Whether you see fear of flying in an airplane as justifiable or as an irrational phobia depends on your best, most clear-eyed estimate of how dangerous it really is.



• Flying still is the safest mode of travel. Even with the increased risk of terrorism, flying still is a very safe way to travel long distances. It's easy, and very understandable, to react on an emotional level to the new threat of hijacking. But the chance of dying in an airplane is much lower, mile for mile, than the chance of being in a fatal car accident. Even the September 11 terrorist attacks and the subsequent airplane crash in New York do not really change the risks.



• Try to keep the danger in perspective. As a parent, you've had to develop your coping skills when it comes to dealing with the unpleasant fact that you can't always protect your child from all harm, no matter how hard you try. You are always balancing the risks your child faces against his need to explore and live in the world. Draw upon those coping skills to keep the danger of flying in perspective and to offer the type of reassurances that have helped alleviate your child's fears in the past.



• If your child is really scared and you really have to fly somewhere, get help. Psychologists, developmental-behavioral pediatricians, and other professionals have techniques that can help children master their fears. The process of desensitization, for example, involves relaxing, and then staying relaxed while imagining more and more lifelike images of the feared thing or situation. For example, one might practice relaxing while imagining an airplane sitting safely on the runway. Next, one might imagine the plane taxiing and taking off, and so on. At each stage, the professional helps the child relax. Eventually, the child is able to stay calm while imagining getting onto an airplane, and then while actually doing it. There also are medications that can reduce anxious feelings in the short term.



• Don't force the issue. Although it may seem worthwhile to simply force a child to face up to his fears, this approach is not going to help a truly frightened child. It will only add to his sense of personal failure, perhaps even desperation. A better lesson for a child is that if one must do something frightening, parents are there to offer support and comfort.

© Copyright 2004 The Dr. Spock Company. All Rights Reserved.