When Mom and Dad Go Off to War

September 06, 2008

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When Mom and Dad Go Off to War

by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. and Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Lynn Cates, M.D., F.A.A.P.

The glare of the September 11 horrors illuminated the heroism of firefighters, police officers, construction workers, and other regular citizens-people who we know do important work but whom we often take for granted. A recent article in The New York Times shed light on another group of American heroes who also are often unsung. These are the parents in the military. Civilian women married to military men have always faced the challenge of single-handedly keeping families going during times of war. But mothers who face not only the prospect of fighting a war, but also the pain of parting from their children, are relatively new in this country.

The number of these parents is large, and the family challenges they face are daunting. More than 630,000 members of the armed services are parents. Among them are more than 80,000 single parents--mostly mothers--and nearly 35,000 whose spouses are also in the armed forces. All told, there are some 1.2 million military children. Most of them are younger than 12, and almost 500,000 are infants, toddlers, or preschoolers--the ages at which separation from a parent is especially hard.

The challenge of separation
Separation from parents is one of the biggest psychological challenges a child ever faces. Young children, in particular, cannot understand why they are being left, and they have a very subjective sense of time. For them, a month is a long, long time, and a year feels like forever.

Even short separations can cause real distress in young children, resulting in behavior changes (such as clinging, crying, or acting remote) that can linger for weeks. Longer separations, if they are not handled correctly, can undermine a child's attachment to her parents and end up causing lasting emotional damage. Fortunately, with planning, support, and open, honest communication, parents can lessen the strain of separation on their children. But even so, separations are bound to be difficult and sad. For a parent to willingly take on this burden out of a sense of duty and love for country is heroic indeed.

Special challenges of military families
Several factors make the separations faced by military families particularly daunting:

Separations may take place at short notice. Even though families prepare ahead of time, there may be a very short interval between receiving the orders to go and the actual departure.

False alarms sometimes occur when orders change at the last minute, exhausting families psychologically.

Families often don't know where or for how long their loved ones will be gone. And they must live with the horrible possibility that the person going off to war may never return alive.

Added to the psychological burdens of separation are a host of financial and logistical ones. Military reservists often must leave better-paying jobs to go on active duty, sometimes forcing their families to move to less expensive housing.

Military families with an active-duty parent are often stationed far from home, away from all the practical and emotional support that close friends and relatives can provide. When one spouse leaves, the other may feel very much alone.

In some cases, the children may have to move to a different city and be cared for by relatives or family friends she may or may not know well.

Coping strategies
Military families know these risks, and they make plans to handle them. Every large military installation has a family support center whose mission is to help families with all the psychological, financial, and logistical burdens that they must bear.

Ultimately, though, each family is left to grapple with these problems in the best way it can. Those of us who do not have to confront these painful and difficult realities can, if nothing else, recognize military mothers and fathers for their heroic commitment to our country.


RELATED INFORMATION

			Moms in the Military: Helping Your Children Stay Strong
			Moms in the Military: How Caregivers Can Help Children on the Home Front
			When Duty Calls: Preparing to Leave Your Children
			Parenting
			Times of Crisis

Violence: Times of Crisis

Created October 10, 2001
Reviewed October 10, 2001

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