When Duty Calls: Preparing to Leave Your Children

September 06, 2008

SEARCH drSpock

my account | sign in

HOT TOPICS

		Pregnancy Symptoms
		Read with Your Kids -- It's Fun!
		Take Our Quizzes
		Play with Your Baby

TOPICS


	Parents are talking about their children. Join the discussion.

When Duty Calls: Preparing to Leave Your Children

by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. and Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.

It is a fact of life for military families that one or both parents may, at some time, be called away from their loved ones in order to serve our nation. In light of America's new war on terrorism, this time has come for many parents across the country.

We've been impressed by the soundness and clarity of much of the information provided by the U.S. military and affiliated groups to help these parents. In particular, one guidebook, The Family Readiness Guide,--put together for the personnel and families of the Community Support Center, 21st Mission Support Squadron at Peterson Air Force Base in Colorado Springs--is especially thorough, well written, and helpful.

We've also learned a lot by helping families handle more common, but still difficult, separations--a parent's hospitalization or incarceration, for example--and many of these approaches can be helpful in dealing with military separations as well. But there are other ways in which military separations are bound to be particularly difficult (see When Mom and Dad Go Off to War).

Understanding separations
The following principles apply no matter what the cause of separation:

For all children, and young ones especially, probably the biggest single fear is that their parents will abandon them. Therefore, it is important that you not underestimate the emotional challenge children that face when parents must go away. Anything that can be done to lessen the burden is well worth the effort.

Children need repeated reassurance that they are still loved; they should know that even though a parent is not physically there, Mom or Dad still has them in mind.

Young children are egocentric--that is, they tend to think that everything that happens has to do with them personally. They may need specific reassurance that the separation was not their fault.

The more control a child feels over a situation, the less upsetting it is. Although the fact of separation is beyond her control, if the child can determine some of the details--for example, whether her absent parent sends her cassette tapes or postcards, or both--she'll be better able to accept it.

Talking about difficult emotions makes them easier to handle. There is no such thing as an unacceptable emotion. Although parents should not try to hide or lie about their feelings (children can almost always tell), neither should they burden their children with the full force of their emotions. So, while it is reasonable and honest for a parent to admit that she is sad, for example, and even to cry, it's important that her child does not become the person she vents to at length--that person needs to be another adult.

Suggestions for military separations
The following suggestions apply especially to separations that come about when one or both parents are called to active duty.

Talk openly with your family
Whenever there is going to be a major change in the family, be sure that you discuss it openly ahead of time and create an environment where you, your spouse, and your children can share your feelings and ask questions. If such change comes in the form of deployment, setting aside time to talk about your upcoming separation can actually help make the change seem like less of an unknown or scary thing for the entire family.

Take care of business
If you're facing deployment, plan ahead to make sure that your spouse (or whoever will serve as guardian of the children in your absence) has all the contact information and necessary legal or financial paperwork in hand. It's also helpful to clarify what needs to be done for your children--for example, taking them to doctor appointments or piano lessons--and what sorts of expectations you have regarding discipline and your children's participation in household chores. Here are some tips:

Have contact information easily accessible. Whether you are a single parent or simply the person in the household who takes the kids to the doctor or arranges child care, take the time to put together a list of contact information--starting with your own. Be sure to include information for military contacts (both resources and commanders), doctors, teachers, friends, and relatives. Don't take it for granted that the people involved in the lives of your children can be tracked down; make the pathways of communication clear ahead of time.

Have paperwork in order. Before you have to leave your family duties in the hands of another, make sure that your will is current, that you have a financial plan in place, and that documentation of guardianship or power of attorney (when necessary) is official.

If you are the person in the family responsible for paying the bills, getting the car repaired, or doing the household chores, put some thought into who can take over these and other tasks in your absence.

Try to make sure that your family is going to be well supported while you're gone. Let teachers know about your pending absence ahead of time. If you have young children, look into the variety of family support programs that are available through your military base. An example is the Give Parents A Break Program offered by the Community Support Center at Peterson Air Force Base, which provides short-term care for children, to give caregivers time to recoup their energies.

Plan ways to stay close to your family
Before you leave, you'll have the opportunity to think about what special things you want to take with you, as well as what kind of keepsakes you'd like to leave behind for your family. By doing simple things like discussing with your children how you plan to stay close, agreeing on how often you intend to stay in touch, and even whether you want to communicate through phone calls, email, or regular mail can help make the time spent away seem like less of an unknown.

Be prepared for any emotional responses
As the time nears for parting, everyone in the family will respond in their own way. Children sometimes become clingier or start acting naughty; older children may appear angry or distant. It may be easier for a child to handle the emotion of anger than to face the sadness of saying goodbye head-on. It may be easier to part as enemies than as friends. Spouses and partners left behind may have similar reactions.

Don't take these responses too personally. Try to see past these feelings to the sadness and longing underneath them. Pay attention to your own responses, as well, and talk about these with your family.


RELATED INFORMATION

			Moms in the Military: Helping Your Children Stay Strong
			Moms in the Military: How Caregivers Can Help Children on the Home Front
			When Mom and Dad Go Off to War
			Parenting
			Times of Crisis

Violence: Times of Crisis

Created October 10, 2001
Reviewed and revised September 11, 2004

| |
| | |

THIS SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information drSpock.com provides is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your health care professional if you have a specific health concern. Mention or advertisement of any product, service, or brand does not constitute endorsement, guarantee, or recommendation by The Dr. Spock Company. Please read our full Terms of Service.