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| |    Firstborns: The Family Pioneers by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P. Almost everything a firstborn does breaks new ground. First to be born. First to toilet train. First to go out on a date. First, egads, to drive. Like the pioneers of the old West, firstborns learn to be resourceful, self-reliant, and tough. They demand a lot of themselves, and of others in turn. Psychologists and researchers often describe typical firstborns with a flurry of strong adjectives: serious, conscientious, take-charge, goal-oriented, aggressive, rule-conscious, exacting, conservative, organized, responsible, jealous, fearful, and anxious. Clearly, not all firstborns fit these descriptors, but as a group, most have more than their share of these traits. What is it about being born first that would shape a child's personality along these lines? Relationship with parents First, you have to look at the special relationship firstborns have with their parents. First-time parents sweat the details. They document every milestone, celebrate each small achievement, and worry if it comes later than expected. Because they are new to parenting and don't have other children to distract them, they often focus on their firstborn with high intensity. This usually ends up being a double-edged sword: They provide a lot of valuable one-on-one stimulation--talking and playing and teaching-but they also tend to put their firstborns under a great deal of pressure to succeed. They may criticize every small breach of manners, for example, or demand that their firstborns always "set a good example." To the extent that young firstborn children are able to live up to their parents' high expectations, they reap precious rewards: praise and a sense that they really are special. They often become very skilled at knowing what their parents (and later, teachers and bosses) want them to do, and doing it. Ironically, their very success often leads to anxiety: If being special hinges on performing up to high standards, what happens if they fail? To protect against this disaster, many firstborn children set even higher standards for themselves than their parents do, and, as a result, are rarely satisfied. Any success they achieve is not enough. Over and over, they must prove that they are not the failures they fear they might be. Relationships with siblings The other area in which firstborns have special relationships, of course, is with their later-born siblings. Many firstborns are surprised (not to say shocked) by the appearance of a little competitor. The oft-heard term sibling rivalry really doesn't begin to describe the complex mixture of jealousy, anger, and guilt they feel. Some respond aggressively, but others become even more determined to be good as a way of protecting their status in the family. Most show a mixture of behaviors, helping with a diaper change one minute, pinching the baby the next. Amazingly, younger siblings often idolize the older brothers and sisters who torment them. The firstborn becomes the leader of the children within the family, and may act as their protector in the neighborhood as well. Firstborns are often called on to babysit younger siblings and keep them in line. They learn to accept responsibility and to expect others to listen to them. These early experiences prepare firstborns to play leadership roles in the grown-up world. On the down side, this tendency to be the boss leads some firstborns to try to dominate every situation and run roughshod over any opposition. What you can do How can you, as a parent, help your firstborn enjoy the benefits of her position, while avoiding the pitfalls?
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